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Take Some Time and Cry

There are some days that my body can not contain itself. I know the symptoms of my body purge. I start to internally shake, I feel my head start to spin, I am extremely light headed. My eyes will just start to water. This is it...I can't hold it in any longer. I allow the tears to come down as I let out a soft, sad whimper. After I start to release the tension, I would like to say I get better but my body internally shakes some more. I feel my hands losing its grip strength, my head feels like I am recovering from a hangover. I reach for my vape pen and start smoking away.

I don't start with a decent amount, I just keep puffing until the chemicals reach my brain and start feeling nothing. I go numb. My body begins to relax and all the shaking stops. My head feels like I am sleep walking. I always end up thinking why don't I just let go. If I start feeling like crap while I am walking the dog, just start crying. When I am helping the kids with homework and they can sense my frustration and overwhelmingness, I really should just start crying.

While I am going to the bathroom for the fifth time with stomach issues, I should just start crying. The best is when I was watching a movie and it depicts healthy families frolicking in the fields, I should cry because who really does that! My point is...just cry. The symptoms that I develop because I am restricting my emotions are not worth it! What stops these healthy, emotional crying moments. Well everything in my surroundings...duh! Crying makes people uncomfortable. Should it matter, no but I don't want to be that person that needs comfort. That appears as if I may be asking for attention.

Frankly, I start thinking this Lupus illness has taken away my memories, my extensive mobility, my career, alertness and total utter happiness. I can't sit on the floor and be pitiful...however, is it pitiful to want control of your emotions. Yes and No. Allowing myself to feel is not pitiful. Allowing myself to embrace my existing life, which is far from perfect and far from disastrous. I will be patient. I will be forgiving. In the words of Yoda, "Do. Or do not. There is no try.”


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