Moments of Inspiration

Unbeknownst to me, my daughter wrote an essay about the impact my chronic illness has on her and how I have inspired her throughout these trying years. My oldest munchkin is a 19 year old outstanding individual. She is only not spectacular because she swims competitively, she participates in the the school women newspaper, is active in clubs and maintains an A in all her classes. It is because she apologizes whenever she curses, she is conscious of people's feelings, she is just a fun, loud, cheerful individual, she never makes a joke at someone else's expense. She is a doer. My munchkin is a leader. I am proud of her because she is a bit of me and my husband but so much better.

She sent me the essay in a moment of exhaustion. I viewed the unopened document five hours later. I cried. When I spoke to her, she said, "Of course I was going to write about you. You were the first person I thought of." I could not wrap my head around that...I inspire her.

Automatically, I look at the graduation frames that are hung up on my wall reminding me that yes, I did accomplish that. I can't use my college degrees in a professional setting? I believe that is part of my problem, who I should have been? Who is to say? Me? God is laughing while I write that line...I am not in control. I am still trying to figure out what I can accomplish in a day? My one big thing. Laundry? Reading my fictional contemporary women's novels? Walking on the treadmill? Creating my art? Driving to a doctor's appointment? Talking to my siblings? I can't do them all? With that in mind how am I an inspiration?

I have learned to be present. Lupies, you have to shut the noise. I am unable to multitask so I am forced to stop. Do not focus on the pain. Listen. Meditate. My family depends on me. I am not useless. Be kind to yourself and don't compare. I must prioritize and not push.

Lupies, That is all.