Here I am.

Depression and anxiety has been a large part of daily Lupus life. Everyday I wish I could just be positive. I take antidepressants and I don't feel happy. I expected to get a new lease on life. My little ones say I have my tired look face on. I can't even muster a small smile. "Yes, I am so tired," in my defeated voice. Any second, the tears will roll down my face. Not because I am sad about a specific event. Simply, the sadness creeps in you like a life-shadow. I can almost see it around me like an entity. I can't help but stare at it out of fascination. I can't shoo it away. I can't invite it to leave. I can't seem to be able to get a metaphorical hold around it.

This battle of the darkness does seem infinite. This battle is personal. The burden of the battle can not be shared. Everyone is an outsider but WAIT!!!!...hope is not lost. Different steps can be taken to alleviate the dark symptoms. I have tried yoga, meditation, acupuncture, salt room, sleep, medication, cannabis, therapy, food restrictions and I still can't escape the sadness. Just as Lupus is the invisible illness so is my depression. When I am in that mental space, I recall two personal learning moments both spiritual. My Psychologist who is Jewish, shared with me a word, Hineni.

Hineni is found in the Hebrew Scriptures and means “here I am.” It is a declaration that I am present, totally present to the one calling. Second, as a spiritual individual, I believe that God says to trust him and let go. I truly believe you have to have faith in something. Someone to aid in the day to day. Some days may be harrowing, some days tolerable and others days will be really, really great days. Here I am. Here I am. Yes, Here I am.