Lupies, I recently was feeling overwhelmed. I imagine myself grappling on until I just explode. My emotions come out in an avalanche of uncertainty, regret, sadness and shame. There is occasionally a trigger. Sometimes, there is an absent of a trigger just the imminent mental explosion. The thoughts, present due to my chronic illness, have been rattling in the mind except it is pushed into the darkness. Sometimes, the darkness is all that can be seen and felt. I am here.
The water in Florida is hard. (Hard water is water that has high mineral content (in contrast with "soft water"). Windows have to cleaned frequently, if not, a cap of calcium occurs. Our new windows had not been cleaned in some time. My husband had to use a razorblades to swiftly and carefully remove the film that was present. The new glossy windows captures the light beautifully the next morning.
Richard left the razorblade on the nightstand beside the bed. It took a second to see it and I envisioned myself seizing it. I could quickly create a deep slice on my wrist that would equate to my freedom. No more pain. No more suffering. A single selfish thought. I immediately told Richard to remove it before someone hurts themselves. Mainly myself.
I know in my deepest self that I could not commit suicide. I believe in God and value my life and faith. These dark, engulfing sadness is a moment. I am here.
I spoke to Richard and explained how I could have suicidal thoughts with certainty that I could not jump off the ledge. I told him the ledge will always be there however, the pull of life with him and the kids is everything. I make a conscious decision everyday to be happy, creative and accomplished. I am enough. I am here. I am not broken. I am healing.
Lupies, you will heal too. Reach out for help - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255